10 months of baby- 10 months of breast feeding!

My baby is just days away from his 10 month birthday... I can't believe it! Now if I could just find a way to keep him from getting any older.But I guess his getting older does come with at least one advantage... sleep! Someday I'll get some again!

Also at this time, I feel the need to CELEBRATE! Celebrate a successful breastfeeding relationship! I can join the ranks of mothers who never gave their baby formula! As the one year mark approaches (all too quickly, I might add), I realize that I'm not going to be ready to give up this special bond when my baby turns one. And why should I? I've worked hard to get this far!

When I was pregnant, people would ask me if I planned to breast feed. I thought this was the stupidest question ever! I mean why wouldn't I? It's best for the baby, and it's good for me. I mean, duh! What no one bothered to inform me was that it's hard. Not that I would have listened anyway. I would have just assumed that they weren't as strong as me- just being honest here. I had a pretty easy pregnancy so I felt that's how everything was going to be. Yea, I was probably a little cocky.

So imagine my surprise when my little one came out and I realized that "one of the most natural things in the world" could also be one of the hardest. And most painful. And no, I'm not talking about labor. That was a breeze... with a little help from my friend "epidural" that is.

The day after we brought him home from the hospital was Easter Sunday. We went to my parents' house to celebrate. Everything was fine- with the exception of two massive boulders attached to my body steadily growing more humongous as the day dragged on. By the time I got home, I knew it was time to do whatever I could think of to try and relieve the engorgement. I pulled out the pump and managed to express a respectable ounce and a half of milk and felt a little better... until baby began to fuss. Uh oh... he was hungry. I couldn't do it. I was still so engorged. My nipples were so sore from earlier feedings and from the pumping. But. baby. needed. food. What a huge responsibility I was faced with. It was my responsibility , my burden alone, to keep this infant nourished. It was overwhelming. I cried... how could I give my baby what he needed without causing myself more pain? I had milk, but I couldn't just put it in a bottle and risk nipple confusion. I needed him to work for the milk so he wouldn't get lazy and refuse the breast. I found a medicine dropper. I filled it up with the liquid gold... truly as precious as gold at that moment, and stuck my cleaned finger in LO's mouth and waited for him to suck. As he did, I dropped milk into the corner of his mouth. And balled.

Seeing me in that state, my poor husband knew he had to do something. He'd had about as much experience with crying women as with 3 day old babies... basically none. So he called my mom. It was the right decision. With her by my side, I found the strength to put the baby back on the breast. She kept the baby that night, bringing him to me when it was time to eat. World end-er avoided!

But that wasn't simply the end. I dreaded feedings. Holding that precious being in my arms, I would do anything for him... ANYTHING! But did he have to eat so often? Every feeding was a fight... well several fights really. I fought with myself to bite my tongue and not curse when he latched on. It felt like fire burning my flesh rather than an infants gentle suckling. I fought with him to get him to open his mouth, to get him to open his mouth wide enough, to get him to open his mouth at the right time. I fought with him to stay latched on! Looking back on the way he fussed at the breast, I'm quite confident he had some reflux issues making it difficult for him to stay latched on, let alone relax. So every time he would come off the breast, we had to start the whole song and dance all over again. The lactation consultant and pediatrian would say, "if it hurts, get him off and try it again." Easier said then done!

I'm not sure at what point the normal "latch on" pain became a yeast infection. But with him yanking back on my nipple, it's little surprise that along with the cracking, came a nasty little infection. With the help of a prescription from my dr and some lanolin, I healed, slowly but surely. He started getting gas drops with every feeding to help with the reflux issues. It got easier and easier. And finally it became enjoyable.

People suggested at several times that I may want to go ahead and start him on formula to make my life easier. My thought was always, "Why? We just got good at this." So I had to pump a little when I went back to work? I would do anything for him- Including suffering through the inconvenience of pumping.

10 months and 2 teeth later, why stop? We just got good at this! I'm so glad that I was so stinkin' stubborn and refused to give up even when my husband, as well meaning as he was, was telling me that I should just give him a bottle. My baby boy is perfect! He has never had an illness that lasted long enough or was severe enough to warrant a doctor's visit. Why? Breast Milk! He's walking like a pro at 10 months. Why? Breast Milk! Ok... maybe he'd be walking anyway, but truly, breast milk has contributed to growing a very strong and healthy boy and I have no regrets.

So ahead for us, we're looking at about 2 more months of pumping. But I think day time feedings will become cows' milk feedings- I'm tired of pumping . But we'll continue to breast feed at night as long as the two of us are still interested in doing so. That way he continues to receive of the amazing blessings from breast milk. And to think my answer in the hospital when people asked me how long I planned to breast feed was six months. I guess I showed myself!

2010 in review...

For the first time in several years, I'm actually not excited to see this year leave. It's actually been a good year! It's been a hard year with a lot of changes, but it's really been a great year despite the challenges.

The first and most obvious change- and yes, the most challenging and wonderful as well- has been the birth of my son. My amazing, intelligent, strong, happy, beautiful baby boy. I cannot express the love I feel for him. I would do anything for him... anything. I'm actually terrified to have another because I just don't see how I could ever love another human being as much as I love Cameron. Another child should simply not have to live in his shadow. Now, rest assured, there will be future Sam children. I know that your ability to love grows with the birth of each child, but my fears, ridiculous as they may be, are there and are real. The only thing that will completely cure me, I believe, will be experiencing this kind of love again for another child.

The second big change, also obvious if you've been keeping a tabs on me (LOL), is our move to Utah. This was a very difficult decision and has brought us many new challenges and made it that much more complicated to adjust to our roles as new parents, but we've found many blessing awaiting us here and have not regretted it for a moment.

Moving away from our families in Georgia meant, among other things, no free grandma daycare. It meant Phirun having to leave his job and transfer schools. So instead of Grammy Daycare, we've had Daddy Daycare. I'm so proud of my husband for willingly accepting this role. Only a true man could do as he has done. This time with our son has bred a confidence in his parenting abilities that could have only been gained in this way. Phirun will be returning to school next month (thank goodness) and returning to the work force as soon as possible. Though this arrangement has been great and we have no regrets, I would like to go to working part time so I can be a better Mother and he would like to be the one earning the bread. Hopefully 2011 will bring us both those abilities. Number one priority is getting Phirun through school though so that may mean we remain in our current roles for another year and that's ok.

Teaching in Utah has also been a challenge. Why? Because it's easy. Honestly though, that's part of it. I'm used to teaching students of a very different demographic. A reality of teaching is that you must adjust your teaching style according to the parenting style of the culture of your students. For me this meant that all the sudden, I didn't have to be mean! The icky sweet teacher voice that you may think of when you think of elementary school, and especially Kindergarten teachers, would be viewed as weakness by my former students and they would have walked all over me. I was very firm- mean even- but I was also very loving. My students knew that loved them despite and because of how strict I was. Here on the other hand, the students interpreted my "strictness" simply as meanness. I had to figure out how to soften without loosing control. Easier said than done. I've finally found an acceptable balance though I'm still not completely satisfied, but it gets better every week. I did fantastic on my administrator evaluations though! I needed that boost in confidence. I will continue to make the changes needed to improve as a teacher, and next year will be even better!

One of the unexpected changes that we have been surprised with, has been presence of a strong LDS Cambodian population. One of the 4 Cambodian branches in the country is only 30 minutes away from us. We decided to go "try it out" and felt instant comfort and fellowship. I was shortly called to be Primary President and Phirun was called to be in the Elder's Quorum Presidency. These callings have been a great blessing, and so have the people we have the pleasure of calling friends. The lack of immediate family here has been missed, but we've been so grateful for a great ward family that has swooped in to help fill the gaps.

All in all, 2010 was a great year! 2011, you have big shoes to fill!!!

My husband asked me earlier if I was keeping up with my blog, to which I replied "No," said with a great deal of attitude. Why did he care? Then he said that it was important because I was chronicling the life of our son (my words, not his). Ok, ok, you're right.... (guilty feeling)

So Cameron will be 7 months old in a matter of hours. I can't believe how much he has changed me. My life truly is no longer my own and I couldn't be happier about it. During the daytime, that is.

Rolling over at 3 days (yes, days) really has set the tone for his development. He was able to go from laying down to sitting up completely independently by the beginning of September (5 months) and he was standing up on furniture before he reached 6 months. He became a proficient crawler while we were visiting family in GA about 2 weeks ago, though he's been "kinda crawling" for a good month. He just didn't really have the motivation until he saw Grandma Dye's dog. "Oh yeah! Doggy! Gotta get the doggy!" We went to Time Out for Women while we were in Atlanta (an enormous church women's retreat) and he enjoyed showing up babies months older than himself with his crawling and bouncing. By the second day he realized that he was fast enough to steal toys from the other babies, and they couldn't even compete! haha! Lil' stinker! Right now he's quite focused on developing the remainder of the skills for walking. He is standing up on furniture, and anything else he can get his hands on. The kicker is that he can stand without the help of furniture, he just hasn't realized it yet because he always has something to grab to as soon as he's up. So I'm predicting first steps within a month and a half and proficient walking by Christmas. My life will either get much easier at that point, or harder. Let's hope that learning to walk relives a lot of frustration therefore making life easier!

In general, Cameron is a very good, very happy baby. His one pitfall is that he does not like to SLEEP! Not during the daytime, and not at night! He fights sleep like a monster. He is so terrified of missing anything. He wakes himself up before he's ready and then spends the next few hours being fussy and then has an even harder time winding down to go to sleep the next time. It's a source of constant frustration and I wish I knew what to do. I've been tempted to try the cry it out method, and I still may turn that way, but that requires full paternal support as well as full dedication on my part and I'm just not convinced that it's the best option. I don't mind letting him cry for 10 minutes or so on the nights (or days) when he's being particularly stubborn, but in general letting him cry for long periods of time just doesn't seem like a great idea. And it doesn't work for particularly stubborn babies- I'm pretty sure Cameron's as stubborn as they come. He screamed all the way from Sandy Springs to Buford in the car last week and did not settle down till we got out of the car walked around, got back in the car, and distracted him with french fries. He fell asleep fry-in-hand. I just don't see the cry it out method doing anything except maybe making me less sensitive to his cries. If it were really hard to keep him asleep at night, I might feel different, but a boob in the mouth does the trick really well. If we had a bigger bed I would just keep him in bed and let him nurse as needed every night and life would be a piece of cake. But, as much as I enjoy snuggling with my baby, I equally enjoy my sleep time that's unencumbered by baby. I feel like I can sleeper deeper and more comfortably with Cameron in his own bed. Basically what it comes down to is that I need my personal sleeping space and so does Cameron, but we also both need the most amount of sleep possible. So we do what it takes to get both.

Cameron and Lexi

Cameron at Temple Square

Confessions of a lazy mother...

As a new mother the only thing more precious to me than sleep is my little one. Sleep is SOOO important, and every new mother is lacking it.

So my solution to this age old problem the past 2 months has been to place my baby in his bed at night and go to my own shortly thereafter. When he wakes again in need of food or comfort, I tend to his needs by pulling him into bed with me and nursing him if necessary. Then, in theory, I return him back to his bed when his needs are met. The second part of this does not always happen because I am rarely awake when his needs are met and he's ready to be returned to the bed. If it's just the two of us in the bed, I can just move myself or him into a position where I'm more comfortable. With my husband in the bed, it gets a little more tricky cause there's not as much room to play with. I know, you're thinking, why isn't your husband always in bed with you. Well, I was on vacation the past two weeks so Cameron and I quickly became accustomed to having the bed to ourselves. Anyway, the point is, we're still in survival mode when it comes to sleep.

So, for the most part, this has been going ok. Both of our needs for sleep are being met. But he's gone from waking up briefly 2 or 3 times and only needing to nurse for a few minutes, to nursing what seems like half the night. I know, give him a paci dummy- Oh what I wouldn't give for a paci loving baby! He'll take it sometimes-for a minute. But unless I'm holding him against my chest where the paci won't fall out, we both just get frustrated by about the fifth time I have to put it back in his mouth... I know, try a different kind. Can I tell you how many different kinds we have tried? Anyone know of a safe way to keep it from falling out 100 times?

Anyway, I'm sore... and tired... and frustrated. And the worst is that I know I could solve this problem with a little more patience, but I don't have any at night. I think I use it all up during the day. I really am just too lazy to get up out of bed, tend to his needs fully awake, and then put him back in bed.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. If anyone has any constructive advice- that doesn't involve letting my child scream- I really am open for suggestions.

Splish Splash I was Taken a Bath...